


let me count the ways

by Slice_of_Apple



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aged up a bit it's vague, Blood and Violence, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Canon-Typical Violence, Clueless Jean Kirstein, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Plot doesn't necessarily make sense, Romance, Sweet, first kisses together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:47:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27366787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slice_of_Apple/pseuds/Slice_of_Apple
Summary: Eren thinks about the reasons he loves Jean.ORWhile out on a Scouting excursion, Reiner tries to kidnap Eren and Jean. They fight back.
Relationships: Jean Kirstein/Eren Yeager
Comments: 6
Kudos: 168





	let me count the ways

“They _must_ be after Eren,” Armin whispers, stealing back from the window to the others, who are hidden among the trees. “But how did the military police know we’d be here?” He frowns. Only the Captain and the Commander knew about this plan.

“It’s a good thing you were still awake and heard them coming, Bertholdt,” says Reiner.

“Yes,” agrees Armin.

“I’ll make some noise and once they see my face, I’ll ride away,” says Eren. “That way, they’ll chase after me. I can lose them and double back.”

Jean rolls his eyes. Leave it to Eren to come up with such a half-witted idea, throwing his own safety to the wind. Being torn from his warm sleep on what was supposed to be a peaceful excursion is perhaps making Jean grumpier than usual.

He growls, “You idiot! You think you can take on six MPs by yourself? If they get a hold of you, they’re not going to let you go!”

“I can’t risk endangering any of you,” Eren retorts, his voice rising.

“Yeah, yeah, we know, Mr. Noble, Self-Sacrificing Hero,” grumbles Jean. Armin gives him a dark look. Jean should know better than to egg Eren on, especially in a situation where they need to keep quiet.

Eren’s flush of anger is visible in the shafts of moonlight filtering through the trees, and he opens his mouth to respond when Reiner whispers hastily, “Splitting up may not be such a bad idea, though. How about Eren, Jean, and I circle around on the horses, making plenty of noise so they catch sight of Eren’s face, like he said. Armin, Mikasa and Bertholdt can hang back to take care of them. Perhaps even get some answers as to what they’re up to.”

Mikasa looks mutinous, and Reiner quickly adds, “This way Eren escapes, no one is alone, and you three,” here he looks specifically at Mikasa, clearly meaning you _one_ , “should be more than a match for the MPs.” His point is obvious: Mikasa will be able to protect Eren most effectively by staying behind to take care of the intruders.

“I still think that I should go by myself,” Eren insists.

Everyone ignores him.

“Hmmm,” says Armin thoughtfully. Best to get out of here as quickly as possible. “It’s a decent enough plan. There’s a full moon tonight. We should have enough visibility to make it to the castle. Does everyone have their maps? We can rendezvous there in, say, two hours.”

It goes off without a hitch. They are as loud as possible, and Eren parades around with his hood off. One of the MPs catches a nice view of his face and raises the alarm. As the three of them gallop away, they can hear the shouts and clangs of what is no doubt Mikasa “taking care” of things.

Luckily, the road they’re on is easily visible in the broad moonlight. More of a glorified path, really, but smooth enough to make the riding relatively easy. They are about halfway to the castle when Reiner stops at a small house just in from the road, leaping down from his horse.

“What’s this?” asks Eren, confused.

“I recognize this house,” says Reiner. “Come here. I have an idea.”

Following Reiner, they lead their horses to the back of the house and tie them loosely there.

“What’s your idea?” Jean demands, obviously not in the mood for sightseeing in the middle of the night. He is peering around uncertainly when a blow from behind knocks him to the ground. He scrambles to his feet and spins around.

“What the-“ The words die in his throat when he sees Reiner hurling his fist at Eren. Eren ducks and Reiner misses, cursing.

Jean doesn’t understand what’s going on, but Reiner is clearly a threat. He must have kicked Jean and then gone after Eren.

Reiner’s a big guy, a monster, really, but Eren and Jean together should be able to take him down. Eren’s got Reiner’s front covered, so Jean starts to work his way towards Reiner’s back.

Halfway around, he sees an opening and rushes in to land a kick to Reiner’s knee. Reiner grunts, his leg wavering, but he doesn’t go down. Taking advantage of the hole this creates in Reiner’s defense, Eren throws a punch. Reiner blocks him and lets fly a quick jab to Eren’s stomach, hitting home. Eren falls back slightly, coughing, and Jean kicks out again, attempting to sweep Reiner’s legs. Reiner dodges, following up with a blow to Jean’s side. He misses, and as he follows through, Jean sees an opening. 

Jean goes in for the punch. Too late, he realizes it’s a trap. Reiner dodges, and Jean’s momentum carries him past Reiner, leaving him wide open to attack. But instead of lighting into Jean, Reiner grabs hold of him, twisting him back into Reiner. Before Jean has time to do more than let out a muted gasp of surprise, Reiner has Jean in a chokehold, with a knife against his cheek.

Combat knives aren’t regulation weapons. The Scouts don’t usually carry them. Reiner must have brought this one for a particular reason. Pieces are starting to fit together in Jean’s mind. Someone planted information to the MPs about their location. Someone wanted to get Eren alone. Someone is carrying a non-regulation knife. Someone now has Jean in a vulnerable position, one that compromises Eren. It’s all part of the same plot…

“Come over here, Jaeger. Nice and slow, your hands straight out in front of you,” Reiner is saying. He is panting slightly from exertion, but his voice is steady. It holds none of the warmth Jean has come to expect from Reiner, who has always played the role of the helpful older brother, ready to lend a hand wherever it’s needed. “If you don’t, Kirstein gets a knife in the eye. An injury he’s not going to survive.”

Jean watches Eren freeze. He is standing still, a blank look on his face. What the hell? Why isn’t he running? Reiner obviously wants Eren. He has no use for Jean. Now is the perfect chance for Eren to get away. He could easily jump up on his horse and be gone. And despite the events of the past few minutes, Jean cannot believe that Reiner, _Reiner_ of all people, would really knife him in the face.

But Eren clearly believes it, because he’s not leaving. Jean’s eyes roll. It’s not the time for theatrical, self-sacrificing heroics.

“You idiot,” wheezes Jean, around Reiner’s meaty arm. “Run!”’

“Shut up, Kirstein,” Reiner says, squeezing. The pressure on Jean’s throat tightens, and he scrabbles weakly at Reiner’s arm. His vision goes black at the edges. Reiner may not need the knife, after all. As Jean starts to go limp, he feels the hold on his neck loosen slightly, allowing air to pass through. He desperately sucks in oxygen. He realizes that Reiner must want him awake; he must want Eren to see him struggling, to see the fear in Jean’s eyes. He does his best to calm down, smooth out his features. 

“If you don’t walk over here in the next five seconds,” Reiner says, “Kirstein will get cut. He’s not going to die right away, though. I’m going to leave him here, on the ground, and he’ll slowly bleed to death. If the wolves don’t get him first.”

As if on cue, a howl is heard in the distance.

Jean shivers involuntarily. The whole scene is utterly unreal. What the hell is Reiner playing at? Is he working with the military police? With Bertholdt? He has to assume a yes to the latter. He’s not sure about the MPs, though. If Reiner _is_ working with them, then why run away from them? He internally shakes himself. Whatever it is, they’ll have to figure it out later. Once they escape. _If_ they escape.

“You think your boyfriend will still have this pretty face after the wolves are done with him?” Reiner is saying to Eren. “After my knife is done with him?”

_Boyfriend?_ Eren is close enough that Jean can see his cheeks flush. What the hell does that mean?

Jean heaves on Reiner’s arm, gaining an additional millimeter of space for breath. It’s enough for him to gasp out, “Eren! Get out of here, you shithead!”

“That’s enough out of you,” Reiner says silkily. Jean goes completely still as the point of the knife digs in, deep enough to bite into his skin. Something oozes sluggishly down his cheek. He’s desperately trying to figure out how he can wiggle his way out of Reiner’s impossibly strong grasp when Eren, the fucking idiot, holds his hands out in surrender.

“If one of your hands goes anywhere near your face, the love of your life is dead,” says Reiner. Again, _what the hell?_ Jean feels lost. First Reiner attacking them, and now this lovey-dovey boyfriend crap? 

They end up bound and locked in one of the rooms of the house. Jean is tied to a bedpost, while Eren’s hands have been put in some strange metal restraints which hold his arms spread out horizontally; he is positioned in such a way that he can’t bite any part of himself. This contraption has plainly been set up in advance for the express purpose of containing Eren.

Reiner has left them. Probably to flag down Bertholdt, Jean thinks. Or perhaps to organize the next stage of the journey. Jean can’t believe they were so stupid as to be caught this easily. Then again, there’s no way he could have anticipated this from Reiner. They were in the Cadet Corps together, for Christ’s sake! Reiner betraying them is something he can’t readily wrap his mind around, despite what’s just occurred.

In fact, it’s much easier to focus on the other unsettling revelation from earlier. Even though it’s trivial in the face of their current danger, Jean’s mind keeps coming back to it. Being tied up and stuck in the same room together somehow makes it easier to discuss.

“W-why did Reiner call me your boyfriend?” he finally asks, his tongue tripping over the absurd question.

Eren gives him an incredulous look. “Did you really not know that I like you?” he asks, as though Jean is the biggest moron who ever walked the earth. Jean can only stare at him, stunned. “Because it’s been obvious to everyone else. I mean, even _Reiner_ knows, for fuck’s sake.”

“Of course I didn’t know,” says Jean, happily letting anger cover his confusion. Eren _likes_ him? “How the hell would I have known? You’re always fighting with me.”

“Duh,” said Eren.

“What are you, eight years old?” snaps Jean. There is a moment of silence. “But _why_?”

Eren feels a pang. He can tell that Jean let that slip out without meaning to. He isn’t fishing for compliments. Jean acts like such a smug prick most of the time; it’s only at rare, unexpected moments like this one that the truth slides out, his deep uncertainty about his own capabilities, his own worth perhaps. He truly doesn’t understand why Eren has fallen for him. 

Eren’s first clue that something inside him had shifted where Jean was concerned occurred after a similar admission. Jean was hiding out behind the barracks, his head in his hands, agonizing over the mistake he had made on the mission. He was dully questioning whether he was capable of making difficult decisions, whether he even deserved to be a Scout.

Usually, when he encounters this kind of deep-seated insecurity, Eren finds it irritating beyond belief. When Armin wallows in self-loathing, talking about how useless he is despite his incredible brain power, Eren is annoyed. When Daz whines, Eren wants to scream. When he himself feels his own brand of crippling self-doubt, it repulses him, because he knows the only thing that comes of it is that he temporarily loses his ability to do his job properly. But that day with Jean was different. Instead of being annoyed, Eren felt an overwhelming sympathy – a tenderness, even. He didn’t understand it then, and he still doesn’t – not really. But it doesn’t matter. Even without understanding them, these feelings have grown and blossomed. It’s been some time now that he’s been head over heels in love with the annoying, oblivious asshole across the room from him. 

But he’s not going to try to explain this to Jean. It would come off sounding stupid, and Jean would probably take it the wrong way no matter how he said it and bite his head off. So he answers with something that, while still true, is obviously (to Eren at least) not the whole story.

“It _is_ difficult to fathom, what with you being such an insufferable ass; the only explanation I can come up with that makes any sense at all is that I’m attracted to you physically.” Everyone, at least, can understand this. Jean is indisputably gorgeous. And it’s so much easier to write off Eren’s feelings as a knee-jerk reaction to the sight of the muscles along Jean’s arms, or Jean’s elegant neck rising out of his regulation jacket, or Jean’s ass bracketed by his gear straps, than to try to root around through a bunch of messy feelings. Plus, it’s embarrassing enough to admit to the physical attraction.

Eren can see Jean struggle to respond: should he arrogantly accept the praise? Or angrily denounce the insult? He settles for the trademark glare he usually gives Eren. This is familiar ground for Eren, which is a relief because he feels unbearably exposed, as though half his skin has been ripped off. He needs to move the conversation in a different direction.

“How the heck are we going to get out of here?” he asks.

To his relief, Jean’s face becomes serious, focused. That’s another part of it, Eren thinks idly to himself. Eren has always admired Jean’s ability to think on his feet and to act when he needs to. He shakes himself. Why is he ruminating on the reasons he loves Jean _right now_ , when they are in serious danger?

“What is Reiner _doing_?” Jean mutters.

“Yeah. That was one hell of a surprise. What do you think it’s all about, anyway?”

“Well, getting you, of course,” answers Jean, pointing out the obvious. “But to what end?” He shakes his head as though to jostle understanding into it. Maybe Mikasa will have gotten some answers out of the MPs. Thinking about Mikasa reminds Jean of the others. “We have to assume that Bertholdt will be joining him. We need to be gone before he arrives, as well as anyone else who might be working with them.”

“Obviously,” says Eren sarcastically. “Any ideas how?” He’s feeling unpleasantly helpless in this contraption.

“Reiner is strong, but he’s always been overconfident. Especially for someone who is shit at tying knots.”

Like a magician brandishing a rabbit, he whips his hands out in front of him, the rope hanging down loosely.

“You didn’t,” breathes Eren, a spark running down his spine. This is another part of it, one that really gets his blood going. Jean’s competence. It’s especially obvious with the ODM gear, where Jean makes the impossible look like child’s play. But then he’ll also come in with something unexpected like these unholy rope skills and thoroughly undo Eren.

“I did,” Jean smirks. “Here’s where you tell me how impressive I am. So impressive that you could kiss me.” He waggles his eyebrows suggestively.

“In your dreams,” Eren retorts automatically.

“Apparently, I am. In yours, I mean,” Jean says thoughtfully, after a pause. As though he’s rolling the idea around in his head.

“You dick. Focus.” But despite their current situation, Eren can’t help biting down on a grin. Jean most assuredly does pop up in Eren’s dreams, in a way that is extremely enjoyable but would be mortifying to admit out loud. 

Jean is already hard at work freeing his legs.

But when he gets to Eren, he is completely stumped. It’s a metal restraint, with no obvious release mechanism. Eren’s wrists simply disappear into smooth metal, as if he was born that way.

“I think I’m going to have to deal with Reiner first,” Jean says at last.

Eren nods. He doesn’t see another way out either. Not that he likes the idea of Jean going one-on-one against Reiner.

Jean picks the lock to the door. It’s something Levi taught them. Reiner really has been remarkably careless: leaving the two of them alone without a guard; tying Jean up sloppily; using a standard lock for the room. Careless or, perhaps, arrogant. Maybe Reiner thinks they’re too useless to get out. Whatever it is, Eren thanks their lucky stars.

When Jean turns around, his eyes bright with victory, Eren feels his heart twist. Are they really going to get out of here alive? Eren likely will (at least temporarily), but will Jean? It takes some effort, but he holds back from blurting out “I love you,” as if he's at a deathbed confession. He merely watches Jean carefully, burning the sight of him into his memory ( _is this the last time I’m going to see him?_ ) as he oh-so-quietly cracks the door open the barest sliver. The coast must be clear, because Jean slips through like a shadow in the night. He leans down and grabs the stone doorstop on his way out. 

Reiner is in the main room, hunched over a sheaf of papers. At the last possible second, he must sense Jean’s presence, because he turns, rising, a snarl of rage on his face. Jean has time to shudder – Reiner doesn’t look human anymore – before he slams the heavy doorstop down. Reiner isn’t expecting it, and the weight hits him squarely on the forehead. There’s a horrible crunching noise, and Jean can see Reiner’s skull crack. The bones crumple, and his head caves in. He drops like a stone.

Jean twists and throws up against the wall. It’s an involuntary reaction. By the time he’s finished retching, Reiner’s body has stopped twitching. Jean forces himself closer, wiping his mouth.

“Reiner,” he says quietly. There is no response. He repeats the name more loudly, but again, Reiner doesn’t react.

He crouches down. Reiner is still breathing, but barely. His recessed forehead is already starting to swell, and blood is oozing down his face. Jean feels nauseous all over again. He hates the idea of killing, or nearly killing, someone, even someone who seemed ready to kill him. But the thought of Reiner laying hands on Eren, an Eren who is now vulnerable because of his crazy attachment to _Jean_ of all things, is intolerable. Jean did what he had to do.

Eren flinches before he realizes it’s Jean slipping back into the room, carrying both a blade and a water bottle. Jean quickly lights the lamp, then brings the water over to Eren. Jean must be dead thirsty himself, but he holds the bottle to Eren’s mouth at precisely the angle needed for Eren to drink comfortably. It’s only when Eren has had his fill that Jean himself has some. Eren looks him over. Jean is pale and sweaty, and his hands are trembling.

While Jean gleefully engages in their routine fist fights, Eren knows how much he hates a real battle against people (as opposed to titans) – the kind of fighting that could leave a person dead. It makes Jean physically ill.

“Reiner?” Eren asks anyway, seeking confirmation.

Jean only nods. He did what needed to be done, but he sure as hell doesn’t want to talk about it. He begins carefully inspecting Eren’s restraints.

“You have to cut my arms free,” Eren says quietly.

As soon as the words are out, he knows that Jean has already come to the same conclusion – he’s got a blade, after all - but he can see that Jean was hoping they still might find an alternative solution. 

“They’ll grow back,” he adds.

“I know they’ll grow back! I just… I don’t know if I can,” Jean mumbles. This is different than Jean complaining about the laundry, or the sweeping, or cleaning the windows for the ten millionth time. Different even than Jean with his eyes down, wrestling with his fear, and then coming out the other side, hands trembling but head up. This is Jean not wanting to brutally cut Eren’s hands off because, underneath it all, he doesn’t want to really hurt Eren.

Eren lets out an exasperated sigh. Another reason to love Jean, true, but right now they don’t have time for that shit.

“You have to!” Eren says, forcing as much threat into his voice as he can, even though it’s meaningless because he’s helpless in these stupid restraints.

“Okay,” says Jean. After all, he must understand the reality of their situation as much as Eren does. It seems like there’s something else Jeans wants to say because he’s hesitating, not moving, his mouth open.

Eren waits, but Jean doesn’t speak.

“Jean-,” Eren starts to say. That’s all he gets out before Jean’s fist smashes into his head.

No way is Jean slicing off Eren’s hands while he’s conscious.

Eren comes to with both his hands missing, steam rising from the blunt ends of his wrists. He is in a strange position, half-sitting/half-lying, his head bouncing rhythmically against a firm surface. It’s only when he blinks his eyes open that he realizes he’s sideways on a saddle, and it’s Jean’s shoulder he’s bumping against. Jean’s arm is clamped around his middle.

His first thought, stupidly enough, is that this is another reason he loves Jean: Jean is someone Eren can trust to come through when it matters.

He struggles to sit up straight. It’s incredibly undignified, being half-carried like this. He wishes he was riding his own horse. Kind of hard to do with no hands, though.

“You’re awake,” says Jean, loosening his grip at the same moment he pulls the horse to a stop. The two horses he is towing also halt in their tracks. “How do you feel?”

“I’m okay,” says Eren. “I just – need a minute.” He is about to maneuver his body so at least he is sitting forwards properly in the saddle, when he stops, his arms in mid-air. Instead, he shifts his back towards the horse’s mane. Jean, realizing what he’s trying to do, catches hold of his waist to stabilize him as Eren awkwardly wiggles one of his legs in front of Jean, letting it fall down on the other side.

Eren has something to say, and he wants to do it this way, facing Jean. It’s been thrumming through him ever since Reiner grabbed hold of Jean, and Jean’s life flashed before his eyes. He doesn’t know when he’ll get another chance, so he better do it now. Plus it’s nice and dark where they are, in the shadows of the trees. He’s also feeling a bit lightheaded, which for some reason gives him courage. 

Jean seems to realize that his hands are still on Eren’s waist at the same time that Eren does, and he quickly removes them.

“What?” asks Jean, sounding nervous.

“It’s not – it’s not just because you’re so – so hot,” Eren blurts out, without any warmup or lead-in. He feels the heat rise in his face –what a stupid thing to say! But he’s already jumped in, best to finish as quickly as possible. “Although that’s part of it, of course. But even though you can be such an idiot, you’re also a lot more than that. To me. There are so many things about you that I l-l-love.” He almost gags on the words. He adds, hastily, “It’s okay that you don’t – you don’t feel the same way. I just wanted you to know.” Ugh. He feels sick. What was he thinking? Why was it so important to him to confess in this way?

There is a protracted, painful silence. Eren wishes he were anywhere else in the world than here. Disappearing altogether wouldn’t be so bad, either. He closes his eyes, limp with horror. He doesn’t want to touch Jean after that ghastly confession, but he hopes that Jean will take pity on him and grab hold of him again as he tries to turn himself around, because otherwise he’s fairly certain he’s going to fall off the horse. Although, even that would be better than sitting here with his words hanging so heavily between them.

But then Jean lifts his hands from his sides and places them on Eren’s shoulders. He gazes down at Eren, his eyes fathomless pools of darkness. They sit for another endless, dreadful moment before Jean says, in a voice Eren has never heard him use before, “What makes you think I don’t feel the same way?”

And then Jean leans in.

Turns out that even without hands, Eren can easily wind his arms around Jean’s neck. Just as Jean can slide his own from Eren’s shoulders down his back, wrapping them around his waist. Turns out that they fit together perfectly like this. Turns out that sitting on this horse with Jean is exactly where Eren _does_ want to be, after all.

And if it ends up being a little longer than a minute before Eren wriggles around until he is facing forward and the horse starts moving towards the castle again, then so be it.

And if they move forward at a slower than expected pace because Jean can’t resist planting kisses all along Eren’s neck, well, then, that’s life. And if Eren in turn can’t resist leaning back into Jean’s embrace and tilting his head for a kiss to the mouth, well, these things happen. And if eventually Eren can’t help wiggling back around so they are facing each other for the rest of the journey, well, sometimes that’s how it goes. And if Eren ends up telling Jean all the reasons he loves him under his breath while they’re kissing, well, life is funny that way. And if Jean ends up whispering to Eren that he loves him too even though he’s such an annoyingly self-righteous asshole, sometimes that’s just how these things turn out.


End file.
